at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
