Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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