You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
