dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
