During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
