i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
