If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
