my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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