I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
