i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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