I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
