Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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