I haven't been this sober since birth.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
