Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
