we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
