How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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