I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Such a big mess for such a small penis
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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