i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
