whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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