my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You're like the curious george of whores
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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