So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
