Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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