I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
