Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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