i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
