If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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