Don't make out with my wife yet
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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