Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
