Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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