you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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