worst night to have a conscience
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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