I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
