You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
