I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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