I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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