Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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