In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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