dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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