Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
