She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Randomize
