i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Randomize
