how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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