So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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