my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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