Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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