I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
