Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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