Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
