she woke up with a sticky ear
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
