something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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