I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
