just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
