Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
