i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
